Paper 1, question 1
4/19/22
Dear President of France,
When a fire wreaked havoc on Notre-Dame cathedral, the whole world knew in approximately three minutes within the first flame. Generous donors have donated money to help rebuild the historical landmark. Donations poured in so fast that more than a billion dollars was raised in two days. So much awareness and support has poured into fixing Notre-Dame, but not for the world's largest tropical rainforest.
The Amazon produces 20 % of the oxygen in the earth's atmosphere and is a vital instrument in slowing global warming. But another horrific fire is burning through one of the world's more crucial natural landmarks, which is burning at a rate of one and a half soccer fields a minute.
While the Notre-Dame fire caught the world's attention in three minutes, it has taken three weeks for the world to take notice of the horrific fire in the Amazon. 73,000 forest fires were recorded in Brazil at the beginning of this year. If people's awareness was brought to the Amazon, we could easily help repair the Amazon like the Notre-Dame.
Please help preserve the future of this world.
Sincerely,
Someone worried about the future of this planet.
The extract from a news report published on an Australian news website on the fire that destroyed the Notre-Dame cathedral in Paris and the forest fires in the Amazon. The beginning of this extract starts off with a heading that lists one of the key talking points in the article. It is followed by several short paragraphs, no bigger than two sentences. Each paragraph targets a different point or provides evidence to back up another point. For example, the author writes “‘I would rather see Notre-Dame totally destroyed and see the Amazon forest protected forever,’” This quote backs up the point made in the previous paragraph which talked about the “backlash” over twitter.
My writing is in the form of a letter. At the top it has the date and starts with “Dear”. My writing contains three short, informative paragraphs about the overall issue and concludes with a short but powerful sentence “Please help preserve the future of this world.” At the end of the letter, I signed it off by saying “Sincerely” to keep it formal and professional. But I add “Someone worried about the future of this planet.” to keep it anonymous and to push the importance of the message I am trying to alert the President of France about. Compared to the writing from the Australian news website, mine is more professional and isn’t as persuasive and argumentative.
The structure of the Australian news report is set up by having a couple, very short, introduction paragraphs that introduce the topic of the Notre-Dame cathedral fire in Paris and how the world knew in three minutes. It is followed by several other short paragraphs which make their main claim. The claim starts with “Why?” and then is followed by the main point, “Well, another horrific fire is burning in one of the world’s most crucial natural landmarks”. After the main point is made, several short paragraphs follow which provides evidence and other points that strengthen the main point. Once the overall writing is done, at the bottom of the article, there is a small section featuring “Amazon Rainforest Fast Facts”.
In my letter, instead of starting with a title, I follow the structure needed for a letter. At the top right, it features the date that the letter was written. Below the date, I have who the letter is addressing, “President of France”. My letter starts with a brief introduction paragraph which provides background information on the Notre-Dame cathedral fire and how quickly the world found out, similar to the news report. In the next paragraph, I list one of the strongest facts that the news report featured. After that I list other facts about the Amazons fire that strengthens my main point.
The news report was written in a somewhat professional and formal tone. It is persuasive writing and is written in the third person with quotes like “I would rather..”, which are in the first person. The only part of the writing that doesn’t make it fully a professional and formal writing is “Why”. Instead of having a rhetorical question that could strengthen the point, the author adds “Why” which then they answer with their main point. The tone of my letter is formal yet somewhat unprofessional. By writing to the President of France, my letter has to be formal and in the third person. Majority of the letter is professional except for the last sentence, “Please help preserve the future of this world.” By having a plea in a formal letter, can show the desperation in the writing and can seem like the only reason they are writing is to quickly change the reader's mind rather than try to convince their mind.
The audience for the Australian news report is anyone who is concerned about the huge fire in the Amazon and is wanting a change. The audience for my letter is to the French President and only for him. Instead of targeting a larger audience, I am targeting an individual and trying to convince them to make a change.
1a- AO1: 4 AO2: 4
ReplyDeleteI thought you had an accurate grasp on the original article and how you were supposed to write the letter. For example, you used relevant statistics from the first article like the “73,000 forest first” recorded in the Amazon. Also, you had the correct formatting of a letter. This is because you included a date, introductory salutation, and a sign off. Additionally, you addressed the president personally and gave reasons why he should take action, which was superb. However, by stating the phrase “it has taken three weeks,” it implies that the Notre Dame fire took place just recently. However, the fire was in 2019. Therefore, it would be important to change the date of your letter to be soon after the event happened or change the sentence so that it does not seem like the event happened recently.
1b- AO1: 4 AO3: 5
I thought you did a great job referencing the key points of both your letter and the news article and you cited relevant quotes that added to your analysis like “Why” from the news article.
My biggest piece of advice is to discuss how the point that you bring up relates to the audience or “shapes meaning.” For example, I would recommend that at the end of each paragraph where you bring up a point, relate it back to how it would impact the audience or environment. For instance, at the end of the paragraph where you discuss the structure of the letter, it would be beneficial to explain that this structure makes you sound like a credible writer and the shortness of the sentences creates “an atmosphere of urgency.” This would then make the French President take notice. If you do this at the end of each paragraph, it will most likely not be necessary to have a paragraph specifically reserved for the audience.