The Forest
It was a beautiful early Saturday morning in rural Michigan. It was the middle of spring so the temperature hadn’t gotten really hot yet. After being awake since 7 am, I became bored and decided to go exploring. My parents always told me to stay away from the ends of our 100 acre lot and warned me that people have gotten lost in the woods and never made it out. But how much harm can a nature walk cause? What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.
A forest of trees surrounded our house. Skyscraping maple trees were scattered throughout the property and every February, dad and I went out and put a syrup tap in the trees. He makes the best syrup I've ever tasted. The sweet maple taste is so different from the taste of the cheap brands that the supermarkets carry. Along with huge trees and dense brush, there was so much wildlife that lived here. On the weekends I'm usually out back in my tiny tree house bird watching. Some of the kids at my school think that bird watching is for the elderly or crazy people, but I find it calming. Observing the different types of birds, their behavior, and how they act differently from each other. It's one of my favorite pastimes.
I start to wander through the deep woods and brush. No particular direction or agenda, just to keep walking. Passing tree after tree, small plant after small plant. The forests started to become more and more dense. Less sunlight was able to reach through the trees and the dark shadows of the trees seemed to follow me. I looked up to the sky and it was one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. The tree tops are touching each other and leave almost no gaps in the sky. The small gaps between the leaves let in a small strand of the bright sunlight. I noticed a small gap in the tree ceiling. With my eyes, I followed the stream of light down. On the ground, about 20 feet in front of me, a large mushroom is peaking up through the dirt.
The large, royal blue mushroom seems to sparkle in the sunlight as I approach it. As I get within feet of it, I notice a couple more mushrooms in a row going off into the distance. They are all similar but each one is a shade different from the other. Each is a shade lighter than the last. The row of mushrooms seemed to be in a perfect straight line. Each one was about one foot length from the rest. I had never seen anything as peculiar as this before. I walk carefully forward following the mushrooms. The colors of the mushrooms kept becoming a shade lighter than the last. I picked up my pace to a light jog as the mushrooms continued on.
After several minutes I approach the thickest part of the forest. The line of mushrooms disappeared into a wall of dense brush and trees. I looked around the wall of brush to try and find a way to get through. Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right. I glanced down and saw a small gap between the ground and a tree branch. I laid down on my stomach and looked through the gap. It was sunny on the other side. There was bright green grass and the mushrooms formed a ring around a tree stump. Determined to see what else was through the brush, I squeezed my body through the gap. Once I pulled my legs through, I stood up and admired the mystical scenery.
It looked like a forest pulled out of a fantasy book. Bright green grass shimmered in the light. The trees seemed to sparkle and everything looked overly colorful. The flowers were the size of my head but half of the trees were smaller than me. Huge lightning bugs flew around creating a disco of lights and tiny animals ran through the grass. Everything seemed backwards but proper at the same time. There was so much light I looked up towards the sky expecting to see the sun, but it was still the ceiling of tree branches and leaves.
The line of mushrooms continued in a straight line towards the middle of the clearing. They broke formation and were in a circle around the biggest tree stump I have ever seen. I walked through the circle and walked up onto the stump. It was smooth. Almost as it had been sanded and polished down. An old picnic blanket was in the middle of the stump. I carefully walked forward and sat down. I looked to the side and saw a woven picnic basket to the right of me. I didn’t remember seeing it before I sat down. I looked in front of me and all of a sudden a young woman was sitting in front of me.
She had long blonde hair, pale skin, and was wearing a blue dress, similar in color to mushrooms I first saw.
“It's wonderful here isn’t it” the woman said to me in a quiet, soft voice. Trying to process the craziness, all I could manage to say was “Yeah”. She gave me a weary smile and said “My name is Alice by the way; and this place…. This is my wonderland”.
Lexi, Your Blog is very well written and I love the use of descriptive adjectives to create a sense of atmosphere to The Forest being described in your story. The use of descriptive adjectives such as 'dense' and 'mystical' contribute to the tone of the story. There is a minor error that does not impede communication when you state that there are beautiful 'sites', this is simply a misspelling. Throughout your story you clearly express the mood that the nature and setting provokes. The events are chronologically structured and 'content is relevant'. The quote, "dark shadows of the tress seemed to follow me" achieves the task very well and makes the content somewhat relevant. Because the main focus isn't the eeriness of the forest and more events occur that stray from the prompt the response is slightly off prompt and makes the task mostly achieved. The language used could be more specific in describing aspects of a forest that are eerie and there are parts of your blog that lack relevance to the prompt which could improve the response's score if they were shifted to be on the subject of the forest being eerie which more accurately follows the prompt.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the writing and descriptions you used to create the atmosphere and the connections to Alice in Wonderland. Overall the response was on topic but lacks direction at times.
15/25
Dear Lexi,
ReplyDeleteI can't tell if you meant to set up your paragraphs that way or not. On the other hand, it was a little confusing to read because, I didn't know if you were trying to categorize or organize it in a certain way since the first paragraph to The second paragraph was double space and then all the other ones were indented. Next time, make sure when you're writing your blogs to organize your paragraphs clearly so people understand, so they're not thinking that they're in the same paragraph. I personally had that problem. Unfortunately, I have to give you a level two set up poorly in your blog. The bullet point is ‘Some attempt to organize text…’
Your use of language and the range of your language could be Expanded. The reason I say this is because what are your sentences in particular felt like I was reading a fifth graders writing. (I'm so sorry if that feels harsh. I just don't want you messing up on the actual test.) Example; ‘Passing tree after tree, small plant after small plant.’ I feel that this is the type of language that you use throughout your blog, and I don't think it is flowing easily when reading your blog. I say that because you have sentences like the previous example and then you have sentences like this; ‘Bright green grass shimmered in the light.’ That sentence sounds like a third grader didnt write it. So I have to give you the bullet point and level two which says ‘Expression is clear but maybe not flow easily, With some attempt to use a range of language, including mostly more common structure and lexis. ’ That's in level 2.
I didn't see many errors but I can't give you the ‘Few minor errors which do not impede communication’ In level four, But I can give you ‘Occasional errors which do not impede communication.’ Which is in level three.
You achieved your task by making it a descriptive piece and making the content relevant to the reader. You also addressed your audience by doing this. You address the audience by writing a piece that only certain people would want to read. What I mean by that is you made a spooky story about a forest and you met the prompt. You achieved the task by using descriptive language such as: ‘royal blue mushroom…’, ‘deep woods and brush.’, and ‘Skyscraping maple trees…’ These were some descriptive Phrases that you used throughout your writing. Which one did you achieve your task and I gave you the bullet point level three which says ‘Task is achieved;Content is relevant.’
I'll give you 11 out of 25.
Hi Lexi,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed was you set the scene. Not just the first scene but the overall scene, “rural Michigan”. The other thing, you didn’t spend too long getting to the forest. As for the issues in your blog, it wasn’t too bad but it felt like your blog was off topic. The question asked for ‘eerie occurrence’. Eerie is defined as strange and frightening. Your blog was weird but it wasn’t scary. Instead it was more magical. Just remember what type and the expectations the question is asking for.
Second thing was it sounded like you rushed at the end or gave up. The sentences didn’t flow as nicely and this one, “The line of mushrooms disappeared into a wall of dense brush and trees. I looked around the wall of brush to try and find a way to get through” made the least sense. Maybe it was the wording but the questions I had were, how high? And how wide? I had these questions because the words you used gave me a picture in my head that didn’t fit the next part of the text and I got confused. Along with that I would show the size of the hole because I pictured a small hole that would fit a mouse but when you squeezed through it it was meant to be bigger.
Sorry if it was confusing but overall clarify to the audience when something sounds off. I would give an overall score of 14.
The ideal audience would be one who is interested in this sense of wonderland, which is fully achieved. This is accomplished by creating a sense of constant movement in a rather still environment, the focus of each changing from the specifics of the scenery. The first and second paragraph focuses on the narrator's past, then the third is the beginning of the trail, moving to the fourth which covers the mysterious mushrooms, then the fifth on the forest, the sixth is the stump, and the last is the mystery woman. The task is to achieve a sense of mystery and atmosphere, this is completed by descriptive lexical choices. According to the text “looked like a forest pulled out of a fantasy book.” and using words like “shimmered in the light”. Personally, I felt as though the amount of context and self-reflection within the first few paragraphs was somewhat unnecessary and pulled away from the original purpose of the prompt. Because of this, I have to give you 16 marks. <3
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